Our baby

I have been wanting to share the story of our baby, but I wasn't ready until now.  Today is my first day home alone since the miscarriage happened, so this is the first time I've really been alone to think about it. Mom was here for two weeks, and it was such a help to have her here. She helped me catch up on all the housework I had been neglecting for so long, and I was able to get most of my Christmas decorating done too.
So now I feel ready to 'talk'  about everything that happened.  We were so excited to find out we were pregnant, we had been praying that we would have a baby right away, and everything seemed perfect, well, except that whole being sick thing! I had horrible morning sickness that lasted all day, pretty much every day. We scheduled an appointment with an OB/Gyn as soon as we got the positive pregnancy test, but of course, had to wait a few weeks to get in. I just wanted to hear that everything was OK.  We went to the Dr for lab work first, and were supposed to go back the following Monday for the first appointment.  Steve took off work early that day so he could go with me. He was on his way home to get me, when the doctor's office called and said not to come that day. Because of my medical history, and some of the test results, they wanted me to see a specialist in Knoxville.
I ended up getting really sick the weekend before my appointment. I was throwing up for two days, could not keep anything down at all. Being diabetic, it could be dangerous if I could not keep food down, because it would mess with my blood sugar, and also meant I could not take my medications. Steve was worried about me, and took me to the ER.  I was  little dehydrated, so they gave me some fluid, and some more nausea medication. They did an ultrasound to check on the baby, but we were not allowed to see the ultrasound. The doctor said everything was okay with the baby, and the heart rate was good. I felt a little better knowing that.
When the day finally came for our appointment, I was so sick! I was throwing up all the way to Knoxville, I wasn't even sure I would make it through the appointment, but by the time we got there, I managed to keep what was left in my stomach where it belonged.  We finally got to see an ultrasound of our baby, and hear the heartbeat. It was overwhelming to hear that sound, and it finally made it seem real - we were really having a baby! They said I was 10 weeks at that point, which was a little farther than I thought. We went home with the first pictures of our baby, and I couldn't stop looking at them, I even propped them up on or headboard so we could see them morning and night.
I was still very sick most days. I had three different nausea medications, which I rotated, trying to get some relief. I couldn't cook, couldn't wash dishes, couldn't even think about grocery shopping! Poor Steve had to go back to eating out every night, just like his bachelor days!
On Friday, November 9, I was horribly sick again. I didn't keep anything down all day, but by evening, I was feeling a little better. That day was our five month anniversary, and my sweet husband brought home a pizza, which I managed to eat a little bit of.  I went to be feeling a little bit better, but woke up throwing up again.  That was the worst day so far - I could not stop throwing up all day. When Steve called to say he was on his way home, I was dry heaving every 10 minutes or so, and he decided we would go to the ER when he got home. By the time he got home, I was so weak and still throwing up, I could not get up off the bed, so Steve called an ambulance to take me to the hospital. They took me to the small hospital in the next town, and I was still throwing up the whole time. They gave me an IV of nausea medication, but it still did not stop. They decided to transfer me to the hospital in Knoxville, so I would be closer to my doctor. I finally felt a little better during the transport to Knoxville, and in fact, was able t o laugh when the ambulance driver got lost trying to find the hospital!
When I got settled at the hospital, they asked for a urine sample. When I went to the restroom, I discovered that I was bleeding. They did an ultrasound, and at that point said the heart rate was good, and the sac was intact. They brought me some food to try to eat, since I had not thrown up in a while, but as soon as I ate a few bites, I started throwing up again. They decided to admit me at that point.
I really don't remember a lot about the next two days. They put me on an insulin drip to steady my blood sugar, and fluids of course. I know Alissa & Matt came to visit, and brought Steve some food. I also remember Steve watching football, and I wanted to watch the Packer's, but I remembered it was their bye week! They came to check my blood sugar every hour day and night, but I don't remember most of it.
On Monday, I was really thirsty, and asked for some water. I tried a few sips, and it made my stomach hurt, but it did stay down. Monday evening, I started bleeding very heavily, and cramping pretty badly. I had a feeling then that something was wrong, but they gave me pain medication, and I went right to sleep. When I woke up Tuesday morning, I felt 100 times better - no nausea, no pain. They had me scheduled for an ultrasound that morning. Steve had been planning to go to work that day, but he decided to wait until after the ultrasound. Alissa was there, and Steve's cousin's wife also.
They wheeled me over to ultrasound, and Steve came with me, as well as my nurse, since I was still on insulin, and she had to keep an eye on it. The tech started the ultrasound, and the silence in the room was deafening. No heartbeat this time. No one said anything for a long time. Finally, the tech said she had bad news. The baby was gone. Deep inside, I knew it already, I had known it since the night before, but hearing it was still a shock.  I didn't know what to do or say. I wanted to say something to Steve, but I had no words. I was stunned. We cried a little, but it really had not sunk in yet. We were taken back to my room, and I couldn't look at anyone in the room, I knew I would lose it. Finally, Alissa asked if everything was okay, and all I could do was shake my head no. And I cried again.
I'll add more later about what happened afterwards, but I think that's all I can handle right now.