Our baby - Part two

I'm not writing this to ask for sympathy, or to show how strong I am, because I am not. I only hope to help someone else who is struggling. I know without the hope that Salvation brings, I would be in a far different place that I am today. I think most who read my blog are saved, but if not, please feel free to contact me if you have any questions.
It's been 3 weeks since we lost our baby, but it feels much longer than that. It was Monday, November 12, 2012. When I woke up on Tuesday, I knew something had happened, but I didn't want to think about it. I felt so much better that morning, no nausea, no pain, nothing. After the ultrasound confirmed my worst fears, I went numb. I just wanted to go home, to get away from the hospital, away from everybody. I was surprised to find I was hungry. Starving in fact! I had not been hungry for probably two months. Every time I ate, I was just forcing myself, because I knew I had to. They finally brought me some food, and even though it was hospital food, I couldn't believe how good it tasted! I had trouble sleeping that night in the hospital. Everything was running through my mind at about 100 miles an hour. What happened? Why? What could we have done differently? I knew all the answers - there was nothing we could have done. But that did not stop the questions from coming.
I was discharged Wednesday morning, but Mom was on her way to Knoxville to stay with us, so we waited in town until her flight got in that night. We got home late that night, and I never thought coming home would be hard, but it was. It seemed that everywhere I looked, there were reminders - even the fact that the house was such a mess because I had been too sick to clean was like being punched in the chest. My first major meltdown came when I entered our bedroom, and there on the table beside the bed sat the positive pregnancy test. I hadn't even known it was still there. I didn't plan on keeping it, but we went through about 10 tests before we finally got that positive, and we were so excited! I turned away from the table, only to have ny eyes fall on those ultrasound pictures propped up on the headboard, and that's when I lost it. Poor Steve was so patient with me during all my mood swings! I know it was hard on him too, but he never once got frustrated or impatient. He just held me every time I cried, and that was a lot over the next few days.
We kept busy the rest of the week, with little projects and errands. I tired easily, but I liked staying busy - if we sat at home, I think I would have been pretty depressed. At night, I started having nightmares. The first night, I woke up from a dream about having a baby, and someone tried to take it away. When I woke up, I tried to wake Steve to tell him about it, but he was out cold, so I laid in bed, afraid to go back to sleep again. After that, I had a nightmare almost every night, but Steve ended up waking me up because I was moaning or crying in my sleep, and then I would be unable to sleep again. This became a pattern for four or five days, until I was completely exhausted. I finally took a sleeping pill one night, and slept through the entire night. After that, the dreams came less frequently, and I usually could make myself go back to sleep afterwards.
I would not say that I am "over" what happened, I don't think i will ever be. But, I have been able to step back and see what God has done. I reminded Steve one night that God had protrcted me, He had spared my life, and as soon as I said that, it was like a lightbulb went off over my head. He HAD protected me. I was dwelling on the bad, on what had been taken away, instead of what had been given to me.God gave me a child. I may not have held him in my arms, but for 11 weeks, I was privileged to carry him inside. I have a perfect, healthy, beautiful child who will never suffer or struggle on this earth.  He will never know pain or loss, only joy, and someday, I will know that same joy when I see him in Heaven.
All along, Steve was convinced this baby was a boy, and we had jokingly referred to the baby as 'Junior.' We've decided to continue to refer to him that way, instead of saying 'it' or just 'baby.'

 So, Junior, we love you so much, and we can't wait to see you, but we know you are safe and happy. Thank you for the happiness you gave us during your short time here. We wanted to meet you so very much, but we know Jesus has a better plan in mind.  Someday soon, we will all be together.
Love,
Mommy & Daddy