Empty arms

Some days are easier than others. Some days I can smile and laugh, and pretend everything is okay. Some days are beautiful, serene, and peaceful. Some days are happy and full of fun. But I never forget.
I never forget the pain of losing our baby. I'll never forget how I felt when they told us the news. I'll never forget the pain in my husband's eyes as we cried together. I am reminded every day, nearly every minute, that my arms are empty;but then I am also reminded of how full my heart is.
My heart holds so many beautiful memories - I'll never forget the day we got the positive pregnancy test. I'll never forget hearing our baby's heartbeat. I'll never forget the joy in my husband's eyes when we talked about our baby.
There are reminders all around me. In the room we were going to use as the nursery is a tree I cut out of contact paper and stuck on the wall. It is horribly deformed and ugly, but over time, it has become a thing of beauty. It was supposed to be a prototype, just for practice, and I planned to do a 'real' one later. At first, I couldn't even look at it. I stacked boxes up in front of it, and tried not to think about it. As time has passed, I go in and look at it nearly every day, and run my hand over it. It is something tangible that reminds me that my baby was not just a fleeting thought.  He was a real, living person, a very important part of our family.
My arms are still empty for now. I know God has plans for our little family. Maybe someday, we will see an addition to our family, but maybe not. Either way, I know that God's plans are better than mine, because only He can see what the end will be.

An old post - Don't wait for happiness!

I actually wrote this blog post back in January, and never got around to posting it. I just came across it, and decided I would share it now:

“Stop waiting for Friday, for summer, for someone to fall in love with you, for life. Happiness is achieved when you stop waiting for it and make the most of the moment you are in now.”

I found this quote on Pinterest today, and it really made me stop and think. I tend to do this a lot. I am a planner, I plan everything – tomorrow, next week, next month. Right now I am looking ahead to February, when I will have my surgery, and hoping to get back to 'normal' life. I am waiting to feel better so we can start our family. I remember before I met my husband, I was 'waiting' for someone to come along, waiting for my life to begin. I realize now how much time I have wasted waiting for life, when I could have been living.

I really want to make the most of the moment I am in now. Maybe I don't feel great, but there are still beautiful moments to enjoy every day – I can greet my husband when he comes home, and be thankful that he does come home every day, and thankful that he has a job. When I feel well enough to eat something, I can enjoy it, even if it is just a few crackers. And then there are the good days, which do seem few and far between right now, but they still come. There are days that I feel great, and I don't want to waste those days. There are days when the sunshine makes me feel happy, even if it's cold outside. Sometimes there are warm days that seem to hint at the Spring that is slowly but surely coming closer.

I want to enjoy the time that my husband and I have alone, before we start our family. I have always wanted to have children, and I am still anxious to do that, but I know that the time is not right now. We have started looking into foster care and adoption, but I know we cannot take any children in until my health improves. So in this moment, I need to be thankful for the time we have together. We can be spontaneous, and just take off wherever we want right now. We won't have that freedom necessarily once we have children.

So to sum up, I'm not saying you should not plan for the future, but don't forget to 'stop and smell the roses' along the way. Let the housework go, and spend time with your husband and children.  Don't focus so much on your to-do list that you forget about the people around you. Don't just endure life - Enjoy it!!!!!

Another year

We always seem to start a new year with such high expectations.  A new year, a new month, a new week, a new day; each one holds such promise, such anticipation of what might be to come. One of my favorite quotes from L.M. Montgomery is “Isn't it nice to think that tomorrow is a new day with no mistakes in it yet?”   Of course, we have to include that caveat: no mistakes in it 'yet'. Because we know there will be mistakes, there is no doubt of that. I cannot think of a single day in my life that did not include a mistake,  even those rare days that I would classify as 'perfect'.  How comforting it is to know that we can start each day, each week, each month, each year over again, with a brand-new, clean slate.
 ^"It is of the Lord's mercies that we are not consumed, because his compassions fail not. They are new every morning: great is thy faithfulness." Lamentations 3:22-23King James Version (KJV)
No matter what we did yesterday, God forgives us over and over again.  Each and every time, He wipes the slate clean, and gives us another chance. We can start each day knowing that what we did yesterday, our failures and shortcomings, are not held over our heads. God does not throw our wrong-doings up in our faces, or remind us of them over and over. What mercy He shows us, when we do not deserve it!