Empty arms

Some days are easier than others. Some days I can smile and laugh, and pretend everything is okay. Some days are beautiful, serene, and peaceful. Some days are happy and full of fun. But I never forget.
I never forget the pain of losing our baby. I'll never forget how I felt when they told us the news. I'll never forget the pain in my husband's eyes as we cried together. I am reminded every day, nearly every minute, that my arms are empty;but then I am also reminded of how full my heart is.
My heart holds so many beautiful memories - I'll never forget the day we got the positive pregnancy test. I'll never forget hearing our baby's heartbeat. I'll never forget the joy in my husband's eyes when we talked about our baby.
There are reminders all around me. In the room we were going to use as the nursery is a tree I cut out of contact paper and stuck on the wall. It is horribly deformed and ugly, but over time, it has become a thing of beauty. It was supposed to be a prototype, just for practice, and I planned to do a 'real' one later. At first, I couldn't even look at it. I stacked boxes up in front of it, and tried not to think about it. As time has passed, I go in and look at it nearly every day, and run my hand over it. It is something tangible that reminds me that my baby was not just a fleeting thought.  He was a real, living person, a very important part of our family.
My arms are still empty for now. I know God has plans for our little family. Maybe someday, we will see an addition to our family, but maybe not. Either way, I know that God's plans are better than mine, because only He can see what the end will be.