Our baby - Part two

I'm not writing this to ask for sympathy, or to show how strong I am, because I am not. I only hope to help someone else who is struggling. I know without the hope that Salvation brings, I would be in a far different place that I am today. I think most who read my blog are saved, but if not, please feel free to contact me if you have any questions.
It's been 3 weeks since we lost our baby, but it feels much longer than that. It was Monday, November 12, 2012. When I woke up on Tuesday, I knew something had happened, but I didn't want to think about it. I felt so much better that morning, no nausea, no pain, nothing. After the ultrasound confirmed my worst fears, I went numb. I just wanted to go home, to get away from the hospital, away from everybody. I was surprised to find I was hungry. Starving in fact! I had not been hungry for probably two months. Every time I ate, I was just forcing myself, because I knew I had to. They finally brought me some food, and even though it was hospital food, I couldn't believe how good it tasted! I had trouble sleeping that night in the hospital. Everything was running through my mind at about 100 miles an hour. What happened? Why? What could we have done differently? I knew all the answers - there was nothing we could have done. But that did not stop the questions from coming.
I was discharged Wednesday morning, but Mom was on her way to Knoxville to stay with us, so we waited in town until her flight got in that night. We got home late that night, and I never thought coming home would be hard, but it was. It seemed that everywhere I looked, there were reminders - even the fact that the house was such a mess because I had been too sick to clean was like being punched in the chest. My first major meltdown came when I entered our bedroom, and there on the table beside the bed sat the positive pregnancy test. I hadn't even known it was still there. I didn't plan on keeping it, but we went through about 10 tests before we finally got that positive, and we were so excited! I turned away from the table, only to have ny eyes fall on those ultrasound pictures propped up on the headboard, and that's when I lost it. Poor Steve was so patient with me during all my mood swings! I know it was hard on him too, but he never once got frustrated or impatient. He just held me every time I cried, and that was a lot over the next few days.
We kept busy the rest of the week, with little projects and errands. I tired easily, but I liked staying busy - if we sat at home, I think I would have been pretty depressed. At night, I started having nightmares. The first night, I woke up from a dream about having a baby, and someone tried to take it away. When I woke up, I tried to wake Steve to tell him about it, but he was out cold, so I laid in bed, afraid to go back to sleep again. After that, I had a nightmare almost every night, but Steve ended up waking me up because I was moaning or crying in my sleep, and then I would be unable to sleep again. This became a pattern for four or five days, until I was completely exhausted. I finally took a sleeping pill one night, and slept through the entire night. After that, the dreams came less frequently, and I usually could make myself go back to sleep afterwards.
I would not say that I am "over" what happened, I don't think i will ever be. But, I have been able to step back and see what God has done. I reminded Steve one night that God had protrcted me, He had spared my life, and as soon as I said that, it was like a lightbulb went off over my head. He HAD protected me. I was dwelling on the bad, on what had been taken away, instead of what had been given to me.God gave me a child. I may not have held him in my arms, but for 11 weeks, I was privileged to carry him inside. I have a perfect, healthy, beautiful child who will never suffer or struggle on this earth.  He will never know pain or loss, only joy, and someday, I will know that same joy when I see him in Heaven.
All along, Steve was convinced this baby was a boy, and we had jokingly referred to the baby as 'Junior.' We've decided to continue to refer to him that way, instead of saying 'it' or just 'baby.'

 So, Junior, we love you so much, and we can't wait to see you, but we know you are safe and happy. Thank you for the happiness you gave us during your short time here. We wanted to meet you so very much, but we know Jesus has a better plan in mind.  Someday soon, we will all be together.
Love,
Mommy & Daddy

Our baby

I have been wanting to share the story of our baby, but I wasn't ready until now.  Today is my first day home alone since the miscarriage happened, so this is the first time I've really been alone to think about it. Mom was here for two weeks, and it was such a help to have her here. She helped me catch up on all the housework I had been neglecting for so long, and I was able to get most of my Christmas decorating done too.
So now I feel ready to 'talk'  about everything that happened.  We were so excited to find out we were pregnant, we had been praying that we would have a baby right away, and everything seemed perfect, well, except that whole being sick thing! I had horrible morning sickness that lasted all day, pretty much every day. We scheduled an appointment with an OB/Gyn as soon as we got the positive pregnancy test, but of course, had to wait a few weeks to get in. I just wanted to hear that everything was OK.  We went to the Dr for lab work first, and were supposed to go back the following Monday for the first appointment.  Steve took off work early that day so he could go with me. He was on his way home to get me, when the doctor's office called and said not to come that day. Because of my medical history, and some of the test results, they wanted me to see a specialist in Knoxville.
I ended up getting really sick the weekend before my appointment. I was throwing up for two days, could not keep anything down at all. Being diabetic, it could be dangerous if I could not keep food down, because it would mess with my blood sugar, and also meant I could not take my medications. Steve was worried about me, and took me to the ER.  I was  little dehydrated, so they gave me some fluid, and some more nausea medication. They did an ultrasound to check on the baby, but we were not allowed to see the ultrasound. The doctor said everything was okay with the baby, and the heart rate was good. I felt a little better knowing that.
When the day finally came for our appointment, I was so sick! I was throwing up all the way to Knoxville, I wasn't even sure I would make it through the appointment, but by the time we got there, I managed to keep what was left in my stomach where it belonged.  We finally got to see an ultrasound of our baby, and hear the heartbeat. It was overwhelming to hear that sound, and it finally made it seem real - we were really having a baby! They said I was 10 weeks at that point, which was a little farther than I thought. We went home with the first pictures of our baby, and I couldn't stop looking at them, I even propped them up on or headboard so we could see them morning and night.
I was still very sick most days. I had three different nausea medications, which I rotated, trying to get some relief. I couldn't cook, couldn't wash dishes, couldn't even think about grocery shopping! Poor Steve had to go back to eating out every night, just like his bachelor days!
On Friday, November 9, I was horribly sick again. I didn't keep anything down all day, but by evening, I was feeling a little better. That day was our five month anniversary, and my sweet husband brought home a pizza, which I managed to eat a little bit of.  I went to be feeling a little bit better, but woke up throwing up again.  That was the worst day so far - I could not stop throwing up all day. When Steve called to say he was on his way home, I was dry heaving every 10 minutes or so, and he decided we would go to the ER when he got home. By the time he got home, I was so weak and still throwing up, I could not get up off the bed, so Steve called an ambulance to take me to the hospital. They took me to the small hospital in the next town, and I was still throwing up the whole time. They gave me an IV of nausea medication, but it still did not stop. They decided to transfer me to the hospital in Knoxville, so I would be closer to my doctor. I finally felt a little better during the transport to Knoxville, and in fact, was able t o laugh when the ambulance driver got lost trying to find the hospital!
When I got settled at the hospital, they asked for a urine sample. When I went to the restroom, I discovered that I was bleeding. They did an ultrasound, and at that point said the heart rate was good, and the sac was intact. They brought me some food to try to eat, since I had not thrown up in a while, but as soon as I ate a few bites, I started throwing up again. They decided to admit me at that point.
I really don't remember a lot about the next two days. They put me on an insulin drip to steady my blood sugar, and fluids of course. I know Alissa & Matt came to visit, and brought Steve some food. I also remember Steve watching football, and I wanted to watch the Packer's, but I remembered it was their bye week! They came to check my blood sugar every hour day and night, but I don't remember most of it.
On Monday, I was really thirsty, and asked for some water. I tried a few sips, and it made my stomach hurt, but it did stay down. Monday evening, I started bleeding very heavily, and cramping pretty badly. I had a feeling then that something was wrong, but they gave me pain medication, and I went right to sleep. When I woke up Tuesday morning, I felt 100 times better - no nausea, no pain. They had me scheduled for an ultrasound that morning. Steve had been planning to go to work that day, but he decided to wait until after the ultrasound. Alissa was there, and Steve's cousin's wife also.
They wheeled me over to ultrasound, and Steve came with me, as well as my nurse, since I was still on insulin, and she had to keep an eye on it. The tech started the ultrasound, and the silence in the room was deafening. No heartbeat this time. No one said anything for a long time. Finally, the tech said she had bad news. The baby was gone. Deep inside, I knew it already, I had known it since the night before, but hearing it was still a shock.  I didn't know what to do or say. I wanted to say something to Steve, but I had no words. I was stunned. We cried a little, but it really had not sunk in yet. We were taken back to my room, and I couldn't look at anyone in the room, I knew I would lose it. Finally, Alissa asked if everything was okay, and all I could do was shake my head no. And I cried again.
I'll add more later about what happened afterwards, but I think that's all I can handle right now.

One Year Later

So, I just realized that it was almost exactly one year ago that I got the news that will forever impact my life.  News that shook me, that bent and shaped who I am today, but did not break me, although at times I sure thought it would!
It was one year ago that I was told that I was losing my vision. I remember when I left the specialist's office, I was under the impression that I would most likely lose all my vision, and if I retained any part of my eyesight, I would be lucky. I remember struggling to hold back tears as I told my mom what he said. I already knew it wasn't good. I had stopped driving, and I was struggling at work, but it was such a shock to have my worst fears confirmed.
In the days that followed, I researched and read as much as I could about my condition. I started to find things that said 80% of cases of Retinopathy can be treated.  I came to learn that the doctor did not have the best 'bedside manner' and his way of speaking always made things seem a little worse than they really were!
It's been a difficult year, to say the least! I had to quit working, I had to quit doing all the things I loved.  I had to do a lot of things I didn't want to do, and a lot more things I was terrified of doing.  I had surgeries, I had shots in my eyes, I had laser treatments in my eyes. I had to depend on other people a whole lot, and I've had to deal with people accusing me of being lazy because of things I still cannot do.  All of these things have made me the person I am.  Because of all these things, I am strong, I am brave, and I am content.
If my eyes never get any better, I know I can handle it, because I know I have people I can depend on, but most of all, I have a Heavenly Father I can depend on.  There were days of such darkness, physically and spiritually, and the only thing I could do on those days was pray.  And yes, there were days when I cried out and said "Why me?"  And there were even days when I felt completely alone, like everyone, including God, had just forgotten me. I know now that God had answered my cry of "Why me" but I was not ready to listen yet.  Because God used all these trials to bring me not only closer to Him, but to bring me to where He wanted me to be. Where He wanted me was not necessarily a place I would have chosen for myself, so He used my circumstances to change me.
It reminds me so much of the song "O Glorious Love."  The song begins with the line, "In my darkness Jesus found me, Touched my eyes and made me see."  All year, I've been waiting for God to literally 'touch my eyes and make me see' and I know He could do it. But He chose not to, and I thank Him for that. It may sound silly, but I am glad that everything happened exactly the way it did. I can give glory to God because He brought me through this valley. I could have given God glory if He had healed me immediately, but would I have? That's a tough question to ask myself, because I'm not sure I can answer "Yes."  I would have said "Praise the Lord" but I think I would have just resumed my normal life, and forgotten it. Now, I have scars that will remind me every day of how good God is. For the rest of my life, I will never forget  this year, and I truly hope and pray that I can be used to help someone else.

Some things about me

I've been doing a lot of writing lately. I actually have two books that I am working on at the same time. I don't know that anyone will ever see them other than me, but I love writing, and I have all these thoughts that I  just feel the need to put down on paper. I came across this little bit that I wrote a few months ago, so  I figured I would share it. It's still unfinished, and I'm not sure if I will come back to it someday.

Sometimes, I hide my feelings. Sometimes, I pretend that everything is okay, when it’s really not. Sometimes, I pretend I’m fine, when I really am hurting or sick. Sometimes, I pretend I can see just fine, when really, I‘m having trouble seeing the ground right in front of me. Sometimes, I get frustrated because of the things I cannot do, and people don’t realize how hard that is. Sometimes, I get frustrated that I have to depend on other people. Sometimes, people can’t tell I feel bad, or that I have trouble seeing, because I don’t want them to know.


Sometimes, I keep my opinions to myself, because I don’t want to hurt your feelings, even though you just hurt me. Sometimes, I get angry when people say untrue or hurtful things about the people I love. Sometimes, you may not be able to tell I am upset with you, because I will pretend we are just fine.

I am so thankful that our God is not like me. It’s so comforting to know that He is always the same. He is never moody. He never pretends to be something He is not. No matter how often I fail Him, He never fails me. No matter how many foolish things I do, or how many times I do the same foolish thing over & over, He never gives up on me. He never loses His patience, or His temper. It’s hard for me to wrap my mind around – how could He do all this for me? How could He love me so much? And yet, He does.

Raising Manly Men

I wrote about raising girls, so I thought to be fair, I should write about my thoughts on raising boys as well. Again, I am not claiming to be any kind of expert, just sharing some of the random thoughts that fly through my mind.


If I have sons one day, I truly hope to raise them to be gentlemen; to open doors for ladies, to have good manners, and to just generally be MEN. I feel like there is too much of the gender-neutral stuff going around today. Men and women are different, and I have always felt that we should embrace and encourage those differences, not try to stifle them. I want my sons to play with trucks, and get dirty, and take things apart to see how they work.

That does not mean a man should be cruel, or a bully or ‘tough-guy.’ I am so blessed to be married to a man who is incredibly gentle and loving, but he is also fiercely protective of his family, and especially of me. I know I am fortunate to have such an example for my children to look up to. He reminds me in many ways of my father, who I know would do anything in his power for any of us. I was lucky enough to go from my father’s house, where I was loved and protected, to my new home with my husband, where I am also loved and protected. Any man who can provide this for his family would truly be considered a successful man in my eyes.

How Should We Pray for Our Enemies?

Oh dear!  It’s so hard to remember to pray for some people!  And to pray the correct way. It’s not so hard to pray for God to strike our enemies with every blight and misery we can think of, but is that what God had in mind when He instructed us to “pray for them which despitefully use you” (Matt 5:44)?  I’m guessing not.


So how do we pray for them?  Obviously, we ought to pray for their Salvation, but in addition, I think we ought to pray for God to bless them.  If someone has wronged me, I would much rather pray, ‘Dear Lord, Please let their brakes go out’ than to pray, ‘Dear Lord, Please let them get that new car they need’ but which do you think would be more pleasing to the Lord?  I think we should pray for their health, for their financial success, for their safety, and just for God to bless them in every way possible.  If we are praying for someone in that way, it will be much harder to harbor resentment and anger towards them.

As we pray for others, I think we should also pray for ourselves. We could pray for God to take away the anger, or the hurt feelings, and to replace those feelings with love.  It’s really hard to hate someone if you are praying for God to help you to love them!  It might not be easy to pray for others, but that’s what makes it all the more rewarding.  Things that are easy are never as satisfying as things that bring us out of our comfort zone, and help us grow.

Homemade Laundry Detergent

I made another ‘recipe’ yesterday – I tried homemade laundry detergent! I will include the original ingredients, but when I made it, I only mixed one-half of everything. I found all of these items at Walmart in Dayton, which is not a very large store, so they should be fairly easy to find anywhere. That was one thing I was worried about, as our store does not always have the best selection, so sometimes we have to go to a bigger town to find what we need.




1 (4 lb 12 oz) Box of Borax

1 (3 lb 7 oz) Box of Arm & Hammer Super Washing Soda

1 (3 lb) Container of OxiClean – this is optional, the directions I found recommended it, but I left it out, mostly because I forgot to buy it. I figured if it needed a boost, I could just add a little to the loads that need it.

2 (14.1 oz) Bars of Zote Soap- I could not find this soap, so I used Fels-Naptha

2 (2 lb) Boxes of Arm & Hammer Baking Soda – our store doesn’t carry 2 or 4 lb boxes, so I had to get 4 of the 1 lb boxes, and I just bought the Great Value brand.

1-2 (55 oz) Bottle of Purex Crystals Fabric Softener – this is also optional, I bought the scent called Tropical Splash. Again, our store did not have 55 oz bottles, so I had to buy 4 smaller bottles.



This was super easy to make – Grate the bars of soap on a very fine grater. This is the hardest part, my arm was very tired, but it only took maybe 5 minutes to grate one bar. I put the grated soap in a large plastic bin, and added all of the other ingredients. I stirred after adding each one, as I thought that would be easier. I have a big spoon that I am going to leave in the bin, since I don’t want to use it for food now! That’s it, now you are ready to do some laundry – Yippee! I also saved the Purex bottles, as the original directions advised, and filled them with the detergent. Now I can use just a small bottle on a daily basis, and I put the bin with the extra detergent in a cabinet until I need it. You only need to use 1-2 Tablespoons per load!

So, I tried it out on a couple of blankets that my husband had in the house. They were a little funky, as I think they had not been cleaned in a while. They came out smelling nice and fresh, and seem very clean. I haven’t tried it on our clothes yet, but neither of us has any problem with skin sensitivity, so I’m not worried. I am really happy with this detergent, and I really like the fact that I won’t have to worry about running out for quite some time! I would definitely recommend that you try this.

Strong Girls?

I have been seeing so much stuff lately about raising strong girls; raising fearless girls; raising ‘Mighty’ girls. This hits close to home, since Steve and I are hoping to have children soon, and we’ve been discussing how we will raise them.


I have to say, I don’t agree with this trend. I hope to raise daughter’s who are ladies. Not to say I won’t teach them to take care of themselves, but this attitude that girls don’t have to ‘take’ anything from anyone results in women who seem to be waiting for someone to offend them. They are just waiting for someone to wrong them so they can show how tough they are. I hope to raise my daughters to be kind and loving, and to know that even though someone may hurt them, we can forgive.

I wish we would put more emphasis on raising respectful, honest, and compassionate children, both boys and girls. Teach them to defend themselves if necessary, and to stand up for those weaker than themselves always.

I know it’s easy for me to say these things, since I don’t have children yet, but it’s something that I have really been thinking about a lot. I think it goes along with my idea to write a book for girls about how to live like a Princess; not in the sense that we should be spoiled, or think we are better than anyone else, but remembering that we are Daughter’s of the King. As the King’s Daughter, I don’t need to be ‘mighty’ because I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me.

Homemade "Febreze"

I love Febreze. I love (some) air fresheners. I love fabric softener. I love for my house to smell good. I amvery sensitive to smells, especially bad ones, so I was excited to find ‘recipes’ online for homemade fabris refreshers. It is so easy to make, here’s what I did:

I had an old Febreze spray bottle that was 16.9 ounces. I modified some of the measurements I found, because most were for the 32 ounce bottles. In the bottle, I put 1 Tablespoon of baking soda, 2 Tablespoons of liquid fabric softener, and then filled the bottle the rest of the way with warm water. Shake it up, and that’s it!

I tried it first on our mattress, since I was getting ready to change the sheets anyway. I sprayed it on, and it seemed much wetter than regular Febreze (I’m thinking the real stuff must have alcohol in it to make it dry quickly?). It was not a problem, I just waited a few minutes before I put the sheets on.

I also tried it on the armchair in the living room. My husband had a set of furniture when we got married, but every time I sit on it, I notice a musty sort of smell. I went back several hours after spraying the chair, and no more musty smell!.

By the way, I used a cheap, generic fabric softener that I believe I got at Save-A-Lot, and I just picked the one that smelled the best. I am very happy with the results, and I will definitely be using this a lot!

My new life!

Up to this point, this blog has only been updated about once a year! i'm hoping to change that now. Previously, I struggled to find things  to write about, or to find time to write. I now find myself with time on my hands, and an exciting new life to share! Okay, maybe not so exciting to anyone else, but I find it exciting, and maybe I will be able to convey my excitement by sharing some of my everyday life.
I am a Newlywed! I have been married to my wonderful husband for just over two months now. We had the most beautiful wedding, and most of the event was planned, and executed by myself, with help from my wonderful family. I have always been a little Wedding-obsessed, and that still has not changed. I am hoping I get the opportunity to help others plan their events in the future.
For now, I will share some of my crafty projects, some recipes, and whatever else I feel like sharing. My husband is working long hours, and that leaves me home with lots of time on my hands, so be on the lookout for some crazy, fun times ahead!


Enjoy a few wedding pictures:

My niece Abigail, and nephew Isaac - So Adorable!!!!



I love these pictures, we were tired, and I had a splitting headache, but they are beautiful!

Right before we walked down the aisle, Isaac grabbed my hand. I didn't even know anyone got a picture of it!